Another scary, I have no idea if I should be publishing this post, but here goes.
So, I’ve not really said it out loud much, although many people have inferred it. I’m currently suffering from a particually nasty bout of depression. Partially, this has been brought on by perceved stress at work, caused by my mis-identifing threats (see autobio posts), and partially due to not handling real stress at work well. So, I’m a sysadmin, which is typically a pretty hairy job. Of late, I’ve been thrust, to an extent, into new suituations, which I would normally love, but which the depression tells me (wrongly) are dangerous, are bad, and for which I am utterly useless. Also, which I’ve been trying to avoid.
Yeah, that’s something the depression tells me, and some of the scars left from the divorce. My brain is constantly telling me I’m not good enough, I can’t do things, I’m not worthwhile, and I’m certainly not worth anyone spending time helping me get through this. Partially, that has led to me isolating myself – “why would any one want to be friends with you?” whispers my mind. I’m socially a bit stinted, I’ve no idea how to make friends, and spend most of my time in front of a computer, or reading a book. I’m not a non-social creature though, you get me where I feel safe, and I’ll totally blossom out of my shell.
I’ve been an instrumental part of keeping a quite large site on the internet, using very limited hardware, and limited resources, through the use of lots of cool tech that I really enjoyed learning about. I helped a charity setup, provided it tech support and advice, and continue to provide the charity support and advice. I’m slowly in the process of re-wiring my responses to, well, life, to see things from a different perspective; I’m actually pretty smart and capable. My counsellor keeps saying how awesomly well I’m doing, how much I’ve identified after so little time. However, I currently seem to be on a rollercoaster, from time to time getting into a bad spot, where I’ll feel rubbish, have to ration my energy, feel scared by people, things, places, stuff. Just want to draw in, shut down, stop, cease. If that sounds like allusions to suicide, well, on a really bad day, it is totally not an allusion. On a bad day, I have to fight to keep those thoughts out of my head, fight to not give in to that really huge temptation. The temptation to put my affairs in order, and end my life.
People still say suicide is selfish. To an extent, it is. It’s totally about ‘me’, it’s totally about what I’m feeling, without regard for the effect on others. But, sometimes, that regard is there, and it can get overridden. It’s worth considering, if the pain is too much to bear, it might be the only way out. Certainly, on my really bad nights, when I’ve just wanted someone to talk to, I’ve gone through the list of people I know, and ticked them off. Even people who’ve explicitly said I should call them if I need to. I don’t want to get in their way, I don’t want to disturb them. See, it’s that little whisper hiding in my mind, telling me I’m not worth other’s time, I shouldn’t disturb people, not only because it’s annoying for them, which is a factor, but also because I’m not worth it.
Man, minds are awesome/annoying/cool. Also, right now, mine is being a huge pain, and periodically trying to kill me.
Before writing this, this was a bad day. After writing this, this is an ok day. I’ll look into why exactly that is another time. Quite possibly, it’s the whole, looking at it as and adult, rather an a hurting child.
Goals for the next few weeks:
Dig into recent mental dump into bad spot
Finish writing autobio to date.
Do induction at RSPCA
Let estate agents know I’m looking for a pet-allowed flat/house
COOK STUFF, stop eating junk food.
Cycle 8 miles in one sitting.
Do all outstanding site maintainance.
Upgrade chat software so it stops spamming everyone.
Move kirrus.co.uk to a different server.
That should be enough for now..
Edit for later thoughts:
Fear of others rejecting me, won’t let them close. Links not letting go of dad.